My family has been going through some difficult things lately regarding some of my siblings relationships, out of respect for their privacy I won’t go into them, but I will tell you about what it makes me think of!
Watching this real life nightmare play out in my family is also a reminder of all of my own shortcomings. My frustrations with myself for ceaselessly letting people take advantage of me. For being so gullible to believe the known lies of addicts, players and everyone in between. For constantly letting my Savior Complex get the best of me while my heart and mind are layed out as trampling papers for whomever wishes to walk through.
As unhealthy as it is, I have spent most of my life trying NOT to be a certain way.
Mostly, trying NOT TO FAIL.
And most of the time I feel as though I am only about half a step in front of what feels inevitable. Lately, as I lay awake every night unable to get to sleep until 6 am I am left with these thoughts. Fighting with every ounce of strength, tear and sound thought to counter act the endless parade of failures that prance before my eyes. Thank you antidepressants for sparing me from the worst of this over the last 15 years. But for now, I will keep screaming out to God to save me from my own thoughts. I need His help. It is with His strength alone that I will conquer this.
This is one of the verses I repeat by the hour:
No, in ALL these things we are MORE THAN CONQUERORS through Him who loved us.
I know I will conqueror this. I know it will be by His strength alone. I know that when I am weak He is at His strongest. And I know that this will be another testament of His power to tell someday. But in the mean time, this pit of mess sure is awful.